Good Sects

The Julienites

In the beginning, the first words to the masses were, “Thou shalt not slice, thou shalt not dice, thou shalt not Julienne fry”….

…. we disagree.

We, of the most ancient, most pious, first, best, and highest Order of the Spud…. both of us…. feel that the Spud quite likes to be Julienne fried. Hence our self-dubbing, “The Julienites.”

Our sibling sect, the Red Russets, were just as ancient, just as pious, and just plain wrong in their ideas about the Spud.

They are no longer.

We have concerns about certain young upstart sects that seek to defame and defile our most precious and ancient of beliefs. Conflict within the Spud hurts the Spud.

Remember the Red Russets.

The Spud shines down upon the Julienites. The Holy Tuber remembers the First Children, the Voices of Legend, the Deliverers of the Word. We, the Speaker of the Spud Spirit and the Teller of Timeless Truth… we, Gnocci and Knoble, the Ancient Ones, avow ….

YOU WILL BELIEVE!

For now and for All Time
Thus hath spoken
co-clerics of the Ancient and Holy Order of the Julienites
Gnocci — Speaker of the Spud Spirit
Knoble — Teller of Timeless Truths
both were available for comment

 

The Julienarians

Since there can be only two True Julianites, the Julienarians have created a sub-sect to follow the Julianites’ most Ancient and Holy teachings. The Julienites are the Voice — the Julienarians are the fork. Their membership is a closely guarded secret; no one save The Two know the number or names of the tools. However, their numbers must be vast (see Red Russets — History). They are open to enrollment. Dig in.

 

The Red Russets (digested)

The Red Russets cropped up at the same time as the Julienites, but two sprouts planted so closely together could not both flourish. It is speculated that the Red Russets believed their namesake to be the One True Tuber, although any truth to this hypothesis on their beliefs is now lost to history, as the Julienites through their Tools, the Julienarians, have shown them the error of their ways.

According to the Julienites, who are the only ones remaining to tell the tale, the Red Russets were the aggressors in the holy war. It was a happy holy war, but the Rud Russets are now nothing more than a belch in the Book of the Spud.

Thus hath spoken
co-clerics of the Ancient and Holy Order of the Julienites
Gnocci — Speaker of the Spud Spirit
Knoble — Teller of Timeless Truths
both were available for comment

 

The Condimentarians

The Potato came unto us naked, and so was he dressed in lore and legend. We, the Condimentarians, are the keepers of the sacred dressings in whatever form they may take.

There is no rank among the Condimentarians because all knowledge is good, and equal. We do not favor one dressing over another, but believe that every dressing the Holy Spud has worn should be recorded so that those who come later might also know of the Spud’s many possibilities.

 

Those Who Say Potahto

The explanation behind my splinter faction is simple. You say potato, we say Potahto. Our beliefs are generally the same as that of most other factions besides the fact that I have discovered evidence that the Great Naked Potato dates back to prehistoric times (long story).

===
penned by Seth
co-Founder of the Ones Who Say Potahto
Avid historian of the Cult of the Great Naked Potato
on Mon, 16 Aug 1999 13:52:15 -0700 (PDT)

 

Vegematics

Then prepare to meet the militant order of the Naked Potato, the “Vegematics”. The spud spirit appeared to me last night in a vision and has commanded me to eliminate the heretic sect knows as Juliennes.

We (the Vegematics) believe that sliced and diced is the only acceptable state for a potato (or heretic). We are currently holding the first Tuberian Council to further define what we believe to be heretical. We must warn you that the view of Wing-Dings being the holy language is currently frowned upon, mostly because we do not understand the language ourselves. You [as leader of the Condimentarians] will probably receive an invitation to address the council, under a flag of truce, to present your case.

We are currently preparing our version (the only true one of course) of the holy book of Tuber. It closely resembles a cook book since it involves complex knife and sword play.

Slice or dice (not both, which is why the juliennes are such blasphemers) as long as the potatoe is ready to receive the condiment.

While you are correct in that dicing consists of multiple slices, you are forgeting both the intent of disciple and the technique involved. Some of the more elaborate dicings require the participation of multiple disciples in a synchronized ritual that is a beauty to behold. There are also flying and spinning slices and dices that require an expertise with a number of edged weapons. We are the mortal enemies of the Gallaghers, those dreaded mashers of the Holy Tuber, since the result is not fit to eat afterward.

Terry Wessling
in a letter to
CelticGypsyBard
founder of the Condimentatians

 

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Buddah

Information Pending

 

CommonTaters

Just as every potato has it’s bad spot, each sect and document has it’s flaw. We, the CommonTators, seek out the bad spots in each sect and every document, in hopes that in seeing the flaws, they may be cut out, insuring a more perfect potato.

Many cannot handle the Truth without “dressing” it up. However, we believe the Great Potato came to us naked, and should remain as naked as possible, since that is the Holy One’s natural state.

We do not dress or sugar-coat. We are not “sweet” potatoes, since sweet potatoes are not truely potatos. We are sharp as knives and biteingly honest. Deal.

Old Dutch- The Great CommonTater
Head of the CommonTaters to the Cult of the Great Naked Potato

 

Frescan Monks

Named after our Holy Chaser, we’re not sure if their purpose is to chase holy people, or if they’re holy people who chase OTHER people. Or both.

 

Twisted Fries

Information Pending

 

Bad Sects

Anti-Spud

Information pending.

 

AuGratin One

Information pending.

 

The Weevils

More misguided than truly evil; they have the potato’s best intentions at heart. Their primary belief is that the spud should remain quiet and buried; those who would unearth the living potato and bring it into the light must be evil and must therefore be stopped at any cost. These are the guys who get the nifty temporary tattoos and secret decoder rings.

 

The Cult of the Naked Tomato

These heretics have misheard the Word – they believe a TOMATO is the most holy of vegetables!

 

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